The Effort Anchor: Connecting the Process to the Progress
✨ The Mom Insight: “I’ve Been There”
I remember sitting at the kitchen table watching my daughter tackle a difficult math assignment. Her teacher had a strict rule: all work had to be done in pen so the kids couldn’t erase their mistakes, forcing them to realize that making a mistake wasn’t a bad thing. But after struggling with a particularly hard problem, she crossed out her wrong answer so furiously she nearly tore the paper, dropped her pen, and sighed, “I’m just not a math person.”
My immediate mom-instinct was to rescue her confidence. I wanted to swoop in and say, “Of course you are! You’re so smart at math!” But the words caught in my throat. I realized that by praising her innate “smartness,” I was accidentally raising the stakes. If she was inherently “smart,” why was this problem so hard? If she couldn’t get the next one, did that mean she wasn’t smart anymore? I was unintentionally anchoring her value to the final result, rather than the wonderful, messy process of figuring it out.
Keep reading with a free account
You're reading the opening of this post. Create your free SoccerMomPhD account to read the full breakdown — the PhD takeaway and this week's strategy — and to join the conversation in The Parent Lounge.
Create Your Free AccountAlready a member? Log in to keep reading →
🎓 The PhD Takeaway: “Here’s Why”
This is the “Fixed Mindset” trap, a concept pioneered by Stanford psychologist Dr. Carol Dweck. Her decades of research show us that when we praise a child’s innate traits — like being “smart” or a “natural athlete” — we are using person praise. While it sounds encouraging, person praise actually makes children more fragile. They begin to view intelligence and ability as fixed, unchangeable traits. To them, failure feels like a permanent verdict on their identity, and they begin to avoid challenges because they fear failure will reveal a lack of ability. As Dweck notes, in a fixed mindset, “imperfections are shameful”.
On the flip side, we want to instill a Growth Mindset. This is the belief that abilities and intelligence are like muscles that can grow and improve with effort, dedication, and learning from mistakes.
In a fascinating study, Dweck and her colleagues had fifth graders solve moderately difficult problems. The kids praised for their intelligence adopted a fixed mindset, gave up easily when the problems got harder, and some even lied about their scores later to hide their imperfections. But the kids who were praised for their effort — known as process praise — adopted a growth mindset, persisted longer, and actually enjoyed the challenge.
There is a caveat, however: process praise isn’t just tossing out a mindless “Good job!” or “Good effort!”. Indiscriminate praise does not help, especially if a child’s strategies are ineffective. Instead, we must tie the process to the outcome so children understand exactly how their hard work, problem-solving, and new strategies led to their progress.
This growth mindset is the “North Star” for every area of a child’s life:
- Academics: Shifting from “I’m bad at math” to “I haven’t mastered this formula yet.”
- Friendships: Understanding that social skills take practice and conflicts are a chance to learn empathy.
- Hobbies: Valuing the hours spent practicing in the music room as much as the final recital.
- Athletics: Seeing a loss not as a defeat, but as “game film” for future growth.
By focusing on intrinsic motivation — the internal drive to learn — we raise children who are resilient, curious, and willing to take risks. We move them from asking “Did I win?” to asking “What did I try today?”
🗝️ The Strategy: “Try This”
This week, we are practicing The Effort Pivot. Your goal is to catch your child in the act of “the process” and narrate what you see. Replace “Good job!” with specific observations.
🟢 For the Foundations (Ages 3–6): I saw how you took a step back to look at your drawing, and then decided to add those extra colors to finish the details. You really planned that out and worked hard to complete it!”
🔵 For the Discovery Years (Ages 7–11): “I noticed you stayed at the piano for an extra ten minutes to get that one transition right. That took a lot of focus.”
🟣 For the Launchpad (Ages 12–18): “I saw that you set your own alarm and got all your gear ready for work last night without me having to remind you. You are really taking ownership of your responsibilities.”
The goal is to become a “mirror” for their effort, rather than a “judge” of their results.
🛋️ Join the Conversation
We are practicing The Effort Pivot right now in The Parent Lounge!
I’ve opened the ⚓Week 1: The Weekly Anchor | The Effort Pivot thread where we are sharing what happens when we pivot the conversation with our children toward their effort.
See you in the Lounge, Dr. Tanya (Your SoccerMomPhD)