Building a Growth Mindset: The Power of “Yet”
✨ The Mom Insight: “I’ve Been There”
There is a specific, high-pitch tone of voice children use when they hit a wall. It usually sounds like, “I can’t do it!” followed by a heavy sigh, dropped shoulders, or a pencil thrown across the room. My immediate “Mom reflex” used to be jumping right in to save the day, taking over the shoelaces, the math homework, or the soccer ball just to stop the frustration. But by fixing it instantly, I was accidentally confirming their worst fear: You’re right, you can’t do this, so I have to do it for you.
Keep reading with a free account
You're reading the opening of this post. Create your free SoccerMomPhD account to read the full breakdown — the PhD takeaway and this week's strategy — and to join the conversation in The Parent Lounge.
Create Your Free AccountAlready a member? Log in to keep reading →
🎓 The PhD Takeaway: “Here’s Why”
When a child says “I can’t,” they are trapped in what Stanford psychologist Dr. Carol Dweck calls a fixed mindset. In her early research on motivation, Dweck found that children with a fixed mindset hold an “entity theory of ability,” meaning they view their intelligence, talents, and skills as unchangeable traits that they either possess or they don’t. To a child in a fixed mindset, struggling with a task feels like a permanent verdict on their identity. They avoid challenges because they fear that failing will reveal a lack of natural ability.
Our job as parents isn’t to erase their struggle, but to help them shift into a growth mindset. Children with a growth mindset hold an “incremental theory of ability”. They understand that their abilities are like muscles that can improve through effort, dedication, and learning from mistakes. Because they believe they can improve, they embrace challenges and are more resilient.
To help our children make this shift, we can use two powerful concepts: neuroplasticity and scaffolding. First, we must teach our kids about neuroplasticity — the scientific fact that the brain physically grows, rewires, and strengthens every time they tackle something difficult. Struggle is literally the sound of the brain growing!
Second, we practice scaffolding. In developmental psychologist Lev Vygotsky’s sociocultural theory, a “scaffold” is a temporary support that a more knowledgeable person (like a parent) provides to help a child reach a higher level of mastery than they could handle alone. Once the child understands the concept, the support is gradually removed.
The most elegant, single-word verbal scaffold you can give your child is the word “Yet.” Adding “yet” completely alters the neural landscape. It transforms a dead-end wall into a bridge, moving the focus away from a permanent failure and toward a future milestone. This simple mental pivot is vital across every single area of their development:
- Academics: Shifting from “I don’t get fractions” to “I don’t get fractions yet.”
- Hobbies: Turning “I can’t stick this gymnastics landing” into “I haven’t stuck it yet.”
- Friendships: Moving from “No one wants to play with me” to “I haven’t found my group yet.”
- Daily Challenges: Changing “I don’t know how to wash my laundry” to “I haven’t learned yet.”
🗝️ The Strategy: “Try This”
This week, we are practicing The “Yet” Addition at home. Your goal is to act as an external editor for your child’s self-talk.
When they throw up their hands and state a negative, permanent conclusion, you are going to gently play “catch-and-release” with their words and hand them back with the magic addition:
🟢 For the Foundations (Ages 3–6): When they yell, “I can’t zip my jacket!” You respond with warmth: “You can’t zip it yet. Let’s hold the bottom piece together and try again.”
🔵 For the Discovery Years (Ages 7–11): When they grumble, “I’m just not good at soccer.” You pivot: “You haven’t mastered that footwork yet. It takes practice, and your brain is working it out.”
🟣 For the Launchpad (Ages 12–18): When they sigh, “I’ll never understand this chemistry lab.” You anchor them: “You don’t understand this specific lab yet. Let’s look at the notes together before you email the teacher.”
🛋️ Join the Conversation
We are practicing The “Yet” Addition right now in The Parent Lounge!
I’ve opened the ⚓Week 2: The Weekly Anchor | Shifting to “Yet” thread where we are sharing our “Not Yet” moments and observing what happens when “Yet” additions are introduced.
See you in the Lounge,
Dr. Tanya (Your SoccerMomPhD)